The Five Stages of Grief

Another one bites the dust. So, step right up to another round of... "The Five Stages of Grief".

I'm out of Denial, and I'm definitely over Bargaining. I'm at the part that is supposed to be the most fun- Anger. However, I was never really good at Anger. Having suppressed it for most of my life, I don't know exactly how to express it properly. Usually, when I'm really mad, I just end up crying/bawling in frustration, and raising my voice as I tell a friend the story behind my rage. The only thing that instantly gave me release back home was the Primal Scream which results in a sore throat (pleasantly accompanied by a lighter feeling). But since I have no car around here to do that in privacy, any attempt at doing this in my apartment could result in a frantic 911 call from a neighbor and my subsequent deportation.

I wish I could throw things around, bash plates on the ground, punch a hole in the the wall, or do something destructive and physical that would immediately release some of the negative energy pervading me. But, I'm too practical for that. I would think too much of the literal cost of the damage ("But this is Corelle and I won't be able to afford another set on my student allowance.").

I also wish I could go up to people who had hurt me, say every word in my dictionary of foul language (which is rather comprehensive and I have to say, pretty impressive), and try to hurt them with words. But that's rather coarse, and causes enduring damage as well. Not my cup of tea.

Then there's the sticks-and-stones approach. In my fantasies, I accidentally see the people who had hurt me, and proceed to give them a stiff uppercut, preferably resulting in a couple of lost teeth. BUT... Although I am physically strong enough to do this, I am not violent enough for it. If violence prevents me from eating meat, it will certainly stop me from hitting people.

So, there seems to be very little recourse for me.

There is an obscure story about me that I will disclose, although it is REALLY embarrassing. REALLY. It will give you an idea of just how badly I deal with anger. Years and a lifetime ago, I had a fight with my then-boyfriend Gambie during a student conference in Japan, because he kept hanging out with this six-foot German girl despite my protestations. I told him that the time they spent together was bothering me (hmmmm... deja vu?), and he refused to cut their time together. After a heated exchange, I burst out in tears (as usual) and went out of the cottage where we had our little tiff.

I was furious at him and his refusal to listen to me. So... what did I do? I was so mad that I went deep into the woods behind the cottage for some privacy, and... DANCED (while crying!!!) to the tune of Madonna's "Express Yourself", music provided by moi. And I was serious about it. I sang "Don't go for second best baby, PUT YOUR LOVE TO THE TEST!" at the top of my lungs. "Second best is never enough, you'll do much better baby ON YOUR OWN!", I sang as I sobbed. And if I remember correctly, I was dancing a mutant form of the running man. (Well, I was obviously temporarily insane and not to be held accountable for this.)

The point is, many years have passed since then and I still have not found a good way to release my anger. In my younger years, Madonna and a few bad moves helped me do it. Even that, although really humiliating, was far more effective than anything else I've tried in recent history. All I've done in the immediate past is recount what I went through to a friend, and then another one, and another one, until they get sick of hearing about what made me so mad.

Maybe I just can't do Anger right. Or at least I can't do it at will. Don't get me wrong, Anger does strike me, very strongly at that... as I tell my story to a friend and my body involuntarily starts to shake; or as I lie in bed and a wave of impotent rage comes over me and brings hot, angry tears to my eyes.

So for now, I deal with Anger in a protracted manner; by making it dissipate each time I bore yet another person with the details of my personal drama, by organizing my thoughts into this blog. Anger is just too tiring. I do wish I could get rid of it in one dramatic burst, instead of having to be surprised by it little by little at the most inopportune of moments.

Come on, Anger, go away. I can't wait to get into Depression.