Panic Attack

As the title of my entry implies, I am undergoing a panic attack. The past few weeks have left me unable to concentrate on my studies, and I feel like the work has just piled up. I'm facing yet another Monday unprepared for what is to be done, with papers that have yet to be written, pictures that have yet to be taken, computer programs yet to be learned. Suddenly, my previously important goal of trying to maintain a 4.0 grade point average is the least of my worries; simply keeping myself afloat seems such an insurmountable task at this point. I know I have to keep myself busy and try to distract myself with what needs to be done, but I haven't recovered enough, emotionally, to do this. Grades just don't seem all that important to me now.

I have learned from past failures (failed relationships, to be precise) that no matter how bleak things seem to be, I will be fine eventually. Right now though, I'm just trying to take things one day at a time. Each day, trying to get some sleep that lasts for more than a couple of hours; forcing myself to get out of bed at below freezing temperatures to go to class; trying to hold back tears in public places; gauging how much anger and how many tears I have left in me. I can't say each day is always better than the one before; some days are simply worse than others. Recovery from these things after all is not linear. I'm trying not to rush myself through this, although I am really getting impatient. I want to feel better RIGHT NOW, get the drama over and done with RIGHT NOW. But, of course that's impossible. As Alanis sang, the only way out is through.

On the plus side, I still have not recovered my appetite. At the very least, this experience, just as similar ones in the past, have the side effect of weight loss. I have been working on losing my holiday weight gain, but I do wish the solution hadn't come at such a cost.