Working Out with a Former Porn Star

When my summer break in California began, I fully intended to work out and do some amount of damage control, since I realistically anticipated some weight gain from being on vacation. So I went on the lookout for cheap workout videos. I always scoured stores for marked down workout DVDs whenever we went shopping, and purchased some when the deal was too good to pass up. Two months into my break, I realized that I had acquired NINE workout videos including bellydancing, hiphop, pilates, striptease aerobics, NONE of which I'd used. So, having those videos were a good indicator not of my commitment to fitness, but rather of my shopping savvy (I did get a $1 DVD in WalMart).

Realizing I only had a month left to burn off my excesses, I one day resolutely decided to forego my usual afternoon nap, and be a good girl by actually trying one of the videos. I chose to try the one called "Jazzthetics", which said... "specifically designed to burn cellulite, these programs features (sic) great soundtracks and are hosted by physical fitness advocate Traci Lords". TRACI LORDS! Hadn't heard that name in a while. I didn't realize she had shifted careers. But I thought, what the heck, she was a famous (underage) porn star, so she probably knows a thing or two about keeping fit.

So I popped in the DVD, and there she is, in her very yellow outfit (down to the ballet shoes). I realized soon enough that although the DVD was copyrighted in 2003, it looked like it had been shot in the 80s. Three things clued me in to this. First, the hair. Traci Lords was wearing a side ponytail, the kind that would have been favored by Kylie Minogue during her "Loco-Motion" days, or Olivia Newton-John in "Xanadu". Second, the music. The much-vaunted "great soundtrack" sounded like the instrumental version of a Sheena Easton hit. And finally, the last clue... Traci Lords STILL looked like an underage porn star.

However, I didn't let the outfits, the hair, or the music faze me. I had to give the workout a chance (after all, I did shell out $3.99 plus tax for it.) At the start of the DVD, I heard Ms. Lords say that I should focus on her words so that I get a feel of the workout, and I will know what to do. Okay... so I focused and listened carefully to her instructions. I tried to follow them, I really did. I was expecting the usual "feel the stretch up your quadriceps, etc." I didn't know I was in for a treat. Traci Lords' workout instructions actually RHYMED. Here are examples of her spiel.

"Turn turn, feel it burn!" (which was ok, I guess.)

"Roll your hips round and round
a perfect circle should be found!" (hmmm...)

"Look this way and then that,
turn again and then go back!" (getting a little complicated...)

"16 more, I gotta say,
your self-esteem will want to stay!" (as opposed to "my self esteem has run away"?)

"Bend down, stretch your back,
you don't want to hear no crack!" (starting to sound like rapping)

"Move your thighs you will see,
cellulite will no doubt flee!"

After that one, I just couldn't go on. The visual image of my celllulite fleeing after moving my thighs (not to mention the sheer impossibility of it) was just too much for me. Also, I didn't actually do the whole workout because I ended up being hypnotized into immobility by all that rhyming.

So I ejected the DVD. To my credit, I did 5 minutes and 48 seconds of stretching with Traci before I got distracted. That's a start, right? I have all those other DVDs to try anyway. (Though I'm now almost afraid of what I'll see in the dollar DVD I got at WalMart.)