It's not over

I'm back in the Philippines, and I discovered a very interesting thing. I've found proof that you do not go through the stages of grief in a linear manner, because I am back in ANGER. Take note, that's ANGER in all-caps. As I've said, I'm not a very angry person, but right now, I am. The rage in me is now boiling, roiling, white-hot, and painful to the touch. I am once more shaking to the core because I am fuming mad. The desire to strike out and cause physical pain to someone is intense, and it is taking all my sense of dignity and self-control not to give in to it.

I am embracing my rage because I did not have a chance to fully experience it while I was in the US. Sure, after Caye broke up with me, I had my moments of anger, but I always felt it was impotent simply because I was far removed from the situation where I once shared a life with him. I couldn't give in to it because I had school requirements and my desire to graduate to occupy me. I didn't want to deal with it because I thought that acknowledging the anger would be tantamount to feeling the pain.

But now, I am back, and so is my anger. And it has come back with a vengeance, demanding to be acknowledged, insisting on being wielded, commanding me to act on it. The anger began when I arrived at the airport. I thought to myself, "Caye was supposed to welcome me home and pick me up from the airport, as he has for so many years". Then as I lay in bed thinking about how it feels very surreal to be back home and how difficult it will be to be re-assimilated into life in Manila, I thought "Caye was supposed to hold my hand and help me through this stressful transition period". These thoughts began to make me angry, and then I remembered all the hurt that Caye and Corinne inflicted on me.

I remembered how eight and a half years of a life together were thrown away just like that, and how Caye and Corinne are off gallivanting and acting like they didn't betray me, hurt me, or rip my heart out oh-so-casually with their bare hands. I saw on my cellphone as I reactivated it an old text of Caye saying "I will make it my life mission to make you the happiest woman in the world", and I think how nonchalantly he broke his promises. I think of how the man I had thought of as my life partner discarded his commitment to me with no compunction, and with no effort to honor it.

These thoughts and many more have revived my anger, and breathed life into it. I am livid, seething, and I have yet to determine how, if, or when I will give in to my wrath.