Honesty: Sometimes NOT the best policy

Since I’ve gotten started on the topic of indelicacies, here are a couple of examples where employees provided too much information (more popularly known as TMI). These are two separate incidents involving two separate people.

The employees were telling me their respective reasons as to why they couldn’t report for work that day. Again, I am translating their words, which were spoken in Filipino. This rather detracts from their funny-ness, but you’ll get the point.

Incident #1

My office phone rings.

Employee: (sounding very disturbed) Ma’am! I won’t be able to go to work today! I had an accident in the bathroom!

Me: (worried by her tone and imagining her slipping and hitting her head on the toilet) What happened??? Are you all right?

Employee: Yes, yes, the bleeding has stopped.

Me: Oh my God! (then, rather repetitively) What happened???

Employee: Well, I was picking my nose…

Me: (wishing she wouldn’t go on) Oh.

Employee: Then I dug in too deep…

Me: Hmmm. (thinking of hanging up and pretending the line was cut by some strange electric force)

Employee: So it bled and bled and bled. Thankfully, it stopped bleeding already.

Me: (rather hurriedly) Okay, take the day off. Bye! (slams the phone down)

Me: (aloud in the office, to no one in particular) Why couldn’t she just say she had a headache?

Incident #2

My mobile phone rings.

Me: Hello?

Employee: Ma’am! I won’t be able to go to work today! I’ve got loose bowels. I’ve been going to the bathroom to relieve myself since last night. It’s so bad that my stools are like water! I think…

Me: (quickly interrupting) Okaytakethedayoffbye!

Honestly! Whatever happened to the good old headache excuse?

Overheard at a public washroom

I was at a public washroom and overheard a very strange conversation. This exchange made me realize (again) that some people simply do not have personal boundaries. Woman number one was standing, washing her hands, while woman number two was inside a cubicle (so I could not ascertain her exact position). I translated their words into English, but believe me, it was way funnier the way they said it in Filipino. They conducted this conversation without moving from their respective places.

(WARNING: If you are easily offended by talk of bodily functions, read no further.)

Woman #2: There’s something wrong with my tummy.

Woman #1: (Sounding concerned) Really? Does it hurt?

Woman #2: Not really, I just can’t stop farting.

Woman #1: Well, maybe you have a bum stomach.

Woman #2: Well, if that’s the case, why don’t I feel like taking a crap?

(Short pause. Then loud fart.)

Woman #2: See? It’s all air! Nothing else is coming out.

At this point, I just had to leave the washroom. Not only because of the smell, but also because I couldn’t hold in my laughter anymore. (And we all know what happens if we hold in our laughter for too long.)